A few months ago, I participated in a Family Constellation Therapy. Aside from a quick google prior to the session, I didn’t know much about this form of group therapy. I was very surprised at how much I gained from the experience. Looking back on it now, I can still feel the resonance from the therapy (especially when I re-read the section below on standing in my personal power). I hope you enjoy this little recount of my experience, I recommend it if the opportunity ever arises!

Family Constellation Therapy is a type of group therapy where participants are invited to embody roles within a family system. Members of the group role-play family dynamics, which allows unresolved issues to surface, be witnessed and in many cases, can become a catalyst for deep healing.

Developed in Germany by Bert Hellinger in the late 20th century, this therapeutic process blends psychotherapy principles with spiritual traditions Hellinger encountered in his travels. It highlights how trauma, beliefs and behaviours can echo across generations.

The constellation I attended included around 15 participants, some strangers and some familiar. Knowing a few people in the room helped me feel more at ease, it felt like a safe space to be vulnerable. That said, I’ve also heard of people participating in constellations with total strangers and still finding the work incredibly moving.

We began by sitting in a circle, introducing ourselves and describing our family systems: naming parents, grandparents, ancestral origins, siblings, children and birth order. It was a unique experience to start my introduction with, “I am Alex, daughter of Sue and John.” It made me reflect on my identity as something shaped by lineage. We then broke into pairs and took turns sharing our family stories without interruption for ten minutes each. I was paired with a woman who told me a story that could have been a movie of her fierce mother fleeing war. Through her story, I began to see how patterns had played out across generations in her family and began contemplating how much my experiences, behaviours and beliefs have been shaped by subconscious family patterns.

Because there were a lot of people, not everyone was going to have their own constellation. Those who wished to participate put their names into a box and we “let fate decide”. At first, I thought this would be frustrating if you wanted a turn and didn’t get chosen, but I soon learnt that participating in others’ constellations was a profound experience in itself. As for me, I half-heartedly put my name in, unsure if I wanted a turn or not.

We started to move through some constellations. The focus person would sit at the front and chat with the facilitator, who was an incredibly sharp and intuitive woman. She had a gift for asking just the right questions to unearth the heart of the issue. After a bit of discussion, the focus person was asked to select group members to represent key figures in their family.

Watching this unfold was fascinating. With more women than men in the group, the few men were frequently cast as fathers, brothers or sons. Some participants were repeatedly chosen for similar roles, which made me wonder about the different qualities people exhibit. I was a little nervous and hoped not to be chosen at the start. I didn’t for the first few, which allowed me to sit and observe and take in the therapy.

For obvious reasons, I won’t disclose specifics that came up for individuals, but the first few constellations were full of emotion. The focus person would be prompted to speak directly to the members of their family, “What would you like to say to your son?” and, in turn, the person playing the son would be prompted to reply, “What do you wish your mother understood about this situation?” I watched as those embodying mothers broke into tears of empathy, while others released years of tension by finally speaking words that had long gone unspoken.

I also found myself wondering: Why is it that we can find it so difficult to communicate clearly with the people that we are closest to? It’s interesting how it’s easier to speak our truth to a room of near strangers than with those we know and love the most. It reminded me of the freedom I felt travelling when I was younger, when I would meet brand new groups of people at once and could be whoever I wanted to be.

Learning to Stand in My Own Power

I found myself experiencing an incredible amount of emotional resonance with one particular constellation early on in the day. It was interesting as the story on a surface level was completely different from any of my experiences. She was a mother and spoke of relationships with certain family members that changed when she decided to move countries at a young age. These are life experiences I have never had. Yet, a universality pierced through.

I felt especially emotional towards the end when the facilitator instructed her to pick somebody to represent her inner child. A woman with a beautiful, big smile and gorgeous, happy energy was chosen and sat beneath her as a representation of her inner child. Next, she was asked to pick somebody to represent her soul. A striking, tall woman with lovely silver hair and a white outfit was chosen and stood behind her.

The focus person was prompted to talk to her inner child, to tell her she doesn’t need the approval of her family and to express love and gratitude to her for the choices she made. She then asked her to lean into her soul, who had her hands lovingly on her shoulders, to acknowledge that her truth came from within. She was encouraged to see that she made the best choices for her life and to appreciate that. The facilitator had her repeat a mantra, saying, “I don’t need anyone’s approval, because I have my own”.

This reminded me of a session I’d had the week prior with my holistic therapist. I had expressed a desire to know that an interaction with someone in my life had been as meaningful for them as it had for me. I spoke about wanting to know what my friend’s thoughts were in this specific situation. She challenged me to see that I didn’t need to know how they felt to validate my experiences. I had felt extremely challenged by this and resisted what she was telling me. A part of me felt as though the interaction was only meaningful if reciprocated; in essence, I needed something outside of me to validate how I felt. “Try and lean into and feel the truth of what YOU felt, that is all you need,” I was told.

When we are grounded in our power, we know exactly how we feel and trust and validate ourselves. I love how Gabor Mate talks about authenticity, he teaches that trusting oneself is a survival mechanism. Our ancestors had to have a deep trust in themselves to survive (i.e. if they thought there was a bear, they had to trust and act on it). Our nervous systems and brains are still wired for authenticity. Learning to trust myself in all areas of my life is something that I have been working on. Not needing others to validate my experiences feels like another way of tapping into a deeper feeling of authenticity.

As I watched the constellation, I felt the conviction in the words, “I don’t need anyone’s approval, because I have my own”. I felt the energy in the room shift and a surge of power and emotion moved through my body. It felt as though warm, golden light was glowing from deep within me. I realised that this is how it would feel energetically in my body to be the version of myself who dares to stand authentically in my feelings in all situations, with no dependency on others. Feeling this energy shift and power move through my body was very moving. I added to the collective shedding of tears that was a recurrent theme that day.

Stepping Into the Role of an Ancestor

After lunch, it was finally my turn to participate in a constellation. The woman who had shared her family story with me earlier in the day asked me to play her grandmother. At first, I was confused. I was much younger than this woman, who had two grown children. Why would she choose me?

She later explained that her grandmother had died young, likely younger than I am now and it was the innocence she saw in me.

We moved through a beautiful constellation where six of us stood in a line, representing her mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and earlier generations. Seeing us embody a lineage of strong, independent women helped the focus person lean into their strength and release some of the hardships that had been passed down.

A recurring theme that came up throughout the day was the idea of questioning the narratives and stories we tell ourselves. The facilitator was very fierce in questioning us on this: “But are you certain that your father feels that way?” The answer was often, “Years ago, he said this comment.” We began to realise how easy it is to get stuck in stories and to hold on to them. We learnt and were able to embody releasing these burdens. There was one moment in this constellation where the female ancestors were given pillows to hold, to represent that we were carrying these hardships for the focus person, allowing her to move forward with a feeling of freedom.

Playing a role was quite insightful, I felt like I was able to tap into playing her grandmother by embodying elements of the focus person herself (who I had been acquainted with before the session and whose fierceness and intelligence I admired). There was also an energy that all the constellations carried that enabled me to embody the role.

It was interesting as participants who had been in sessions before shared about changes that occurred after them. Even without contacting or seeing anybody, stories about family reaching out post-constellation, resolved relationships and others were abundant. One woman shared how after a constellation focusing on her teenage daughter, she woke the next day to what she described as a completely different child. I found this fascinating. The more I learn about energy and the quantum, the more intrigued I am by stories like these.

My Turn as a Focus Person

This constellation session was organised by my integrative doctor’s clinic and as such, many participants had either experienced chronic fatigue themselves or as a carer. Before lunch, we discussed having a constellation focused purely on fatigue. This didn’t end up happening, but when my name was selected, we decided that focusing on that would be great for me and others in the group.

I sat at the front of the room and was prompted with questions about my health. I shared that whilst my health was great these days, fatigue had been a big part of my life for the last decade and I was still processing some of the difficulty of what I had been through. The facilitator asked me to pick somebody in the circle to represent fatigue. I looked around the room and the choice was obvious. There was a woman in the room whom I had initially met a few years ago when I was having IVs weekly for Lyme Disease, who I used to see in the treatment rooms back then, as she was undergoing her treatment. I hadn’t seen her since then, so even earlier in the day when we were reacquainted, it had triggered a lot of traumatic memories.

We moved through a role play where the embodiment of fatigue was hovering over my shoulder. To see it represented in this way was very confronting. The fact that the woman playing it triggered so many memories of being unwell meant instant tears for us both.

I have realised that facing these difficult memories is part of my healing. I have been working on this a lot recently, learning not to run away from the trauma of my experiences but to turn and face them, accept them, let myself feel what they make me feel and not resist them. In the constellation, instead of trying to run away or escape the fatigue, the facilitator had me turn, face the fatigue and bow to it. To thank it for all it has given me.

I was encouraged to reflect on all the things I am grateful for about my experience of illness. In all honesty, I have a lot of gratitude for it. It has been my greatest challenge, but it has also been my greatest gift. I can’t imagine my life without it and I love the person I am because of it. The instructor suggested that every morning, I wake up and bow to it and thank it.

This intuitively makes sense and it is what I have done with DNRS and Primal Trust, the nervous system regulation and neuroplasticity programs that have helped me to heal. I have learnt to allow symptoms and to stop carrying the burden of illness on my shoulders. In doing this, my nervous system has been able to move away from fear and into safety, thereby allowing my symptoms to heal. I know first-hand that letting go of this resistance has benefited me, but moving into love and gratitude takes it a step further. I am grateful that I am at the stage of my healing where I can bow and thank it and genuinely feel a deep sense of gratitude. I feel grief, pain and suffering, but I feel genuine gratitude for how it’s changed my life for the better.

I was then asked to pick somebody to represent my future self. I picked the woman whose grandmother I had played, who, as I mentioned earlier, had a lot of characteristics I admired. Maria had me make a sharp turn away from the fatigue, letting it be part of my past as I turned toward the future. We had someone else come and represent my soul and stand over my shoulders between the fatigue and me. I was left with a deep sense of knowing that all is ok. Life is great, it’s beautiful in the present moment and I have so much beauty in my future. There was a power in seeing things embodied in this way and it’s probably the most healing aspect of Family Constellation Therapy.

Looking Back on the Experience

After all of this, I was exhausted. It was a 9-5 day of feeling emotions for others and feeling emotions of my own. I left feeling empowered and grateful. I felt gratitude for my own experiences and appreciation for the energy and resonance that can be created in group settings. It was a moving and powerful experience and I’d love to try it again.

This post originally appeared on my substack that you can view here.

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